an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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