You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
