I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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