That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
