I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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