Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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