Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
