guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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