I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize