Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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