Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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