I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
