i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
