sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
