Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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