You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
