RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Fuck appropriateness.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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