my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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