I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
