I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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