we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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