I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize