I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
