he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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