Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
