We're facebook friends in real life
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
