I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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