We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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