nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
