I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
