Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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