at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize