Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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