shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
