Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
