Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
