In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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