From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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