I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
