my mouth tastes like poor choices
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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