We're facebook friends in real life
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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