sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
