So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
