At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
