dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
