happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
