my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
