Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize