I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
