I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
