i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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