He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
