I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
True strength comes from lack of pants
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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