Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
