meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
PANTIES FOUND
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
