this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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