I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
