her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
