saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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