Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
