Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
